“You can somehow convinced yourself that you like me—“
“I had no need to convince myself. I like you.”
Connor ignored this.
“and, in the fear of losing the ability to, in your own words, be near me, you decided that the best course of action when receiving critical information was to keep it from me. Despite knowing how much I sought the man who destroyed my life, despite knowing that finding the man who thought it acceptable to lay waste to an entire village is of utmost importance to me, you decided to keep silent.”
Charles Lee did not speak.
“You decided to keep silent, so that I would not be upset with you for bringing it to my attention that a man that I admired was responsible for the most heinous crime against my people. Against me.”
The man still did not speak.
Connor clenched his hands in frustration.
“And all,” he continued, “for the sake of being near me.”
He pursed his lips.
“You are selfish, Charles Lee.”
Charles Lee made a noise of protestation.
“I did what I thought best so as not to bring you grief—“
“You did what you did because you were too cowardly and selfish to bring this to my attention!”
“That is not true. I thought of how it would affect you in the midst of a dangerous mission—“
“You kept it from me long after we had hunted Church! If it were not for your own jealousy of Commander Washington, then I would never have known!”
The Alpha looked sullen.
“I would have told you.”
Connor glared at him.
“Really?” He decided to push. “When?”
The Alpha looked away, not meeting his eyes.
“When it would not cause you to despise me.”
Spirits above...
Connor took a deep breath and tried to calm himself.
“I believe,” he began again, “that you may have truly thought you were being—kind—to me.”
Or so Connor hoped. It seemed unfathomable to him otherwise.
“But your words are of little else but fear of losing something you wanted. That that thing is my company makes it all the worse.”
Because was it not worse that the Alpha professed that he liked Connor? Liked him and wanted to be near him, but, despite all the claims of respect, clearly did not respect him or value his opinions.
Because if he did, he could never have thought that betraying his trust was worth so little...
Wanting to be near him? Was that all his trust was worth?
It felt bitter to Connor, to know that this man who professed to like him could disregard him so easily.
“That isn’t it. I was trying to spare you—“
Connor had had enough.
“In what possible way did it spare me anything? If, as you say, you were going to tell me later on, then how could that have spared me anything?”
Charles Lee fell silent at that.
Then, “I would have slowly proven to you that Washington was not to be trusted. Little by little. And I would have told you after you were well acquainted with the idea.”
Connor stared at him.
That was...
“That is not waiting not to be despised,” he whispered.
Charles nodded.
“I know.”
----
Charles was nervous. He could feel that Connor was so close to turning away from him. And he could feel that Connor was close to believing him.
It was maddening, knowing that, once again, he was turning what should have been a relatively painless affair into a mess.
“You are right.” He rubbed a tired hand across his eyes.
“I was selfish, and I did not want to jeopardize my own time with you. And I was largely influenced by my own reasons.”
And it galled that it was even true. He had wanted to use the evidence to destroy his wife’s attraction to Washington. He had just been too afraid to lose his wife’s regard himself.
He’d work so long and hard for it. He’d finally managed to get his wife to a point where Connor didn’t hate him or despise him. After losing his wife and never having his good opinion, he was desperate not to lose it again. He couldn’t give it up.
And so, he was selfish.
“But,” he added, “that was not the only thing that I weighed. I feared losing your regard, because I knew that it was a likely outcome. You would be hurt by this. You are hurt by this. And I—“
He trailed off, uncertain suddenly. His head dropped onto his hands as he struggled to find the words.
He took a deep breath.
“I was under orders to reveal it to you. I will not obscure that truth. I was under orders to show you the truth, because Master Kenway could not bear for his only son to remain in ignorance.”
Connor frowned at that.
“But I did not want to hurt you too much. I valued your companionship, I valued being near you. I value your happiness.”
And here, his wife looked shocked.
“And I thought that knowing this in such a way would hurt you. You love Washington—“
And Connor looked as if he wished to refute that.
Charles held up a hand.
“—Please, I know. I know you care deeply for Washington, beyond that of mere friendship.”
He took a painful breath. It was still hard to think of the relationship his wife had had with their current commander-in-chief. It was painful to remember that his wife chose death to save him then.
“And I know that it would hurt you to learn of this so bluntly. And so I waited. I was waiting for the right time, hoping to change your mind about Washington first so that it would not hurt you so much. I wanted to wait until I wouldn’t lose the things I valued so much. And I know I was selfish in doing so.”
It was for selfish reasons but, it was to protect Connor. So that he would not hurt his wife again.
He was always hurting his wife.
“I am sorry.”
And he meant it.
“I think...” Connor began.
Charles looked up.
“I think that I need time to reflect on all of this. I think,” here he paused. “I think that you should leave.”
Charles felt his eyes growing wide. Despite everything, he hadn’t believed—
“Connor,” he pleaded.
“I think it best that we not see each other for a little while.”
The breath left Charles’s lungs in a surprised whoosh, and he was left speechless.
This...this couldn’t...
“I need time to think.”
Connor got up from the chair and made to leave. Right before he exited the doorway, he stopped and turned to look at Charles.
Those amber-brown eyes regarded him sadly, disappointedly.
“I will not dissolve the truce on this. It would not be fair to the work we have put in to make our two organizations work. But...”
Connor looked away.
“But I need time to think if it is really advantageous for the two of us to work together. I will relay my thoughts to you before our next mission.” And he swiftly left the room.
Charles was left sitting there, contemplating his wife’s words.
In Pursuit of Happiness 38
Chapter 38 - Closed Door
Connor felt disappointed.
Jealousy.
This was what it had all been about.
Simple jealousy.
“You can somehow convinced yourself that you like me—“
“I had no need to convince myself. I like you.”
Connor ignored this.
“and, in the fear of losing the ability to, in your own words, be near me, you decided that the best course of action when receiving critical information was to keep it from me. Despite knowing how much I sought the man who destroyed my life, despite knowing that finding the man who thought it acceptable to lay waste to an entire village is of utmost importance to me, you decided to keep silent.”
Charles Lee did not speak.
“You decided to keep silent, so that I would not be upset with you for bringing it to my attention that a man that I admired was responsible for the most heinous crime against my people. Against me.”
The man still did not speak.
Connor clenched his hands in frustration.
“And all,” he continued, “for the sake of being near me.”
He pursed his lips.
“You are selfish, Charles Lee.”
Charles Lee made a noise of protestation.
“I did what I thought best so as not to bring you grief—“
“You did what you did because you were too cowardly and selfish to bring this to my attention!”
“That is not true. I thought of how it would affect you in the midst of a dangerous mission—“
“You kept it from me long after we had hunted Church! If it were not for your own jealousy of Commander Washington, then I would never have known!”
The Alpha looked sullen.
“I would have told you.”
Connor glared at him.
“Really?” He decided to push. “When?”
The Alpha looked away, not meeting his eyes.
“When it would not cause you to despise me.”
Spirits above...
Connor took a deep breath and tried to calm himself.
“I believe,” he began again, “that you may have truly thought you were being—kind—to me.”
Or so Connor hoped. It seemed unfathomable to him otherwise.
“But your words are of little else but fear of losing something you wanted. That that thing is my company makes it all the worse.”
Because was it not worse that the Alpha professed that he liked Connor? Liked him and wanted to be near him, but, despite all the claims of respect, clearly did not respect him or value his opinions.
Because if he did, he could never have thought that betraying his trust was worth so little...
Wanting to be near him? Was that all his trust was worth?
It felt bitter to Connor, to know that this man who professed to like him could disregard him so easily.
“That isn’t it. I was trying to spare you—“
Connor had had enough.
“In what possible way did it spare me anything? If, as you say, you were going to tell me later on, then how could that have spared me anything?”
Charles Lee fell silent at that.
Then, “I would have slowly proven to you that Washington was not to be trusted. Little by little. And I would have told you after you were well acquainted with the idea.”
Connor stared at him.
That was...
“That is not waiting not to be despised,” he whispered.
Charles nodded.
“I know.”
----
Charles was nervous. He could feel that Connor was so close to turning away from him. And he could feel that Connor was close to believing him.
It was maddening, knowing that, once again, he was turning what should have been a relatively painless affair into a mess.
“You are right.” He rubbed a tired hand across his eyes.
“I was selfish, and I did not want to jeopardize my own time with you. And I was largely influenced by my own reasons.”
And it galled that it was even true. He had wanted to use the evidence to destroy his wife’s attraction to Washington. He had just been too afraid to lose his wife’s regard himself.
He’d work so long and hard for it. He’d finally managed to get his wife to a point where Connor didn’t hate him or despise him. After losing his wife and never having his good opinion, he was desperate not to lose it again. He couldn’t give it up.
And so, he was selfish.
“But,” he added, “that was not the only thing that I weighed. I feared losing your regard, because I knew that it was a likely outcome. You would be hurt by this. You are hurt by this. And I—“
He trailed off, uncertain suddenly. His head dropped onto his hands as he struggled to find the words.
He took a deep breath.
“I was under orders to reveal it to you. I will not obscure that truth. I was under orders to show you the truth, because Master Kenway could not bear for his only son to remain in ignorance.”
Connor frowned at that.
“But I did not want to hurt you too much. I valued your companionship, I valued being near you. I value your happiness.”
And here, his wife looked shocked.
“And I thought that knowing this in such a way would hurt you. You love Washington—“
And Connor looked as if he wished to refute that.
Charles held up a hand.
“—Please, I know. I know you care deeply for Washington, beyond that of mere friendship.”
He took a painful breath. It was still hard to think of the relationship his wife had had with their current commander-in-chief. It was painful to remember that his wife chose death to save him then.
“And I know that it would hurt you to learn of this so bluntly. And so I waited. I was waiting for the right time, hoping to change your mind about Washington first so that it would not hurt you so much. I wanted to wait until I wouldn’t lose the things I valued so much. And I know I was selfish in doing so.”
It was for selfish reasons but, it was to protect Connor. So that he would not hurt his wife again.
He was always hurting his wife.
“I am sorry.”
And he meant it.
“I think...” Connor began.
Charles looked up.
“I think that I need time to reflect on all of this. I think,” here he paused. “I think that you should leave.”
Charles felt his eyes growing wide. Despite everything, he hadn’t believed—
“Connor,” he pleaded.
“I think it best that we not see each other for a little while.”
The breath left Charles’s lungs in a surprised whoosh, and he was left speechless.
This...this couldn’t...
“I need time to think.”
Connor got up from the chair and made to leave. Right before he exited the doorway, he stopped and turned to look at Charles.
Those amber-brown eyes regarded him sadly, disappointedly.
“I will not dissolve the truce on this. It would not be fair to the work we have put in to make our two organizations work. But...”
Connor looked away.
“But I need time to think if it is really advantageous for the two of us to work together. I will relay my thoughts to you before our next mission.” And he swiftly left the room.
Charles was left sitting there, contemplating his wife’s words.
Next mission.
It was not the end. He had more battles to fight.