I CAN'T. I've read this at least four times and it's so wonderfully hot and brilliant. I mean, it's in-character and the banter is just perfect and GUH I CAN'T. Please tell me you'll put this on AO3? Then we all can bookmark this and shower you with all the kudos and compliments and praise you deserve, anon...

And also the old-fashioned long 's'es in the title is such a brilliant touch! Antiquated linguistics FTW!